March 27

This is my first time to write something about my current work; I just disliked my fingers tapping on the keyboard when battling out not to write further - I need to do this though. In all honesty, I was extremely excited about the job I have. I felt so empowered about the new challenges I will be facing. In fact I have alloted some of my spare time to read about C/C++; from the basics to the advanced topics. Not to boast, but the topics were not that difficult as they seemed to be....

Something was bothering me though and the feeling is so intense now that things are a little shaky for me to handle. I hate myself when I'm frank because I feel that I only hear myself too much and its deafening; worse than you think. Imagine this, I have been idle for almost two months already. I didn't feel I was part of something. I just felt so alone inside that the churning in my digestive tract is all I felt. The fleeting weekends became so holy for me during those days and my nights, I spent them with so much reading to medicate the bore-doom that I'm in.

A week came where I was reading some of the Design Documents. They were technical descriptions of the system and the subsystems down to the most detailed part of the project. Our team lead instructed me to do some simulator testing with scheduling. I was just surprised that putting some lengthy integers crashed the system and didnt know why. I need to stop everything and start anew by typing some commands on the server remotely. I just then decided to tell our TL about what happened and he said that I dont have to put large numbers on it and so I did. I dont know how to say why or why not or asked further for I only know half bake of what I'm doing or even little than what I have assumed.

Another week came. I was tasked to read some codes in C++. I did understood some of it a bit and trace the logical flow - gee they were neverending. I tried reading through some programs and most of the time trapped in a weblike chain of codes. I wish I were working in my own comforts; just a wish!

One morning, the group had a meeting about a bug. There was a system crash in our subgroup's module. I was tasked to create tracelogs to identify which data are missing or something. I tried to check the code on how to do it and what functions to use. I then realised that there were already existing codes on tracelogs so I just did the copy and paste. The group lead approached and asked me what was I doing or was I done with the task since it was agreed to have it done before noon. I told him that the tracelogs were already there and so I asked if is there a need for me to redo them. I knew that it was unnecessary and yes it was. The fact that I knew didn't stop me from trying to code and why is that? I was really so excited to do hands-on. I felt a little stupid and stubborn but I had fun doing it. To make things worse, I accompy my work with some chat amongst my peers. I'm not in any liberty to divulge any information though, so that's it, we chat a lot during work hours. I am so guilty about this but I can do nothing about it and in those times I just hoped that I was doing more productive things. Well, the week is over again and the fleeting weekends revitalized me from some boring aspect of my life. But hey they aren't boring okay because I get to play badminton every Thursday. I love badminton now.

Another week came. I already had some hardened expectations about my job. You see, I am a programmer and I'm not doing any programming tasks - not just yet I guess. I missed the late nights, coding on something trying to design and design the systems I am making. I like to puke but that's nasty. Sleeping in the office could be one but I tried to put some pillars in between my eyelids. I wish there was a pin operating automatically to prick me if I was so dead sleepy already. And more realistic wish would be that I'm back to where and what I was doing, the thing I am supposedly doing. Yeah as I have mentioned, a week came and yes I had a great time. Topics from the not so serious to becoming so academically contesting. The trivia chatroom is really spirited and well attended by those who were bored or just wanted to unwind. There were some riddles, puzzles, logic and math problems on the trivia chatroom and yes they made my axons and dendrites to work. It was fun answering those quandaries because on the net I am a member of highiqsociety(unofficial); plugging in visit their site: www.highiqsociety.com. They have some of the most difficult quizzes I have encountered and you will enjoy them. Anyway, I have discovered that I am a little poor on riddles. I need to be more imaginative on these aspect and I admit it was a mistake for me to think that being imaginative is way different from being creative because I realized that they were mutual.

Last March 27, 2007, I went to the office quite sluggish and came almost late. Just when I turned on my pc after I have placed my sling bag on the locker, our TL called everyone for a meeting. I was trying to compose myself not to look so clumsy. I tried imagining myself dozing some caffeine behind my spine through a hose that you drag around in hospitals where a bag of dextrose is placed. The meeting kicked off and I left my pc on its login screen. The meeting rounded up around 11:30 A.M. There were some technical talks and a little of some personal once. There were task assignments and I wasn't honestly paying attention from all those stuffs instead I just have them banked in my head in rote. After the meeting there was a sudden change of plans. The team needs to do OS migration from Solaris 8 to Solaris 10 and that task was assigned to me; it has to be done right there on that day.

I browsed through the excel file as to what to do during the process. I was so excited by the fact that I am so involved with the rush - a little scared since I don't know if I will understand all the things that I am supposed to do. After lunch, I had a 30 minutes nap but I just can't. My thoughts were swirling with a lot of things and they were so uneasy but not nerve rocking. 1P.M. came and I did what I was tasked; doing the necessary changes of the files that were affected in the migration and the excel file really helped me a lot. After I have reviewed my work, it was time to compile the modules. I sent the files to a team mate and he did continue the task. During compilation, errors came in like fire crackers. I told myself what have I done - should I feel responsible of those compilation errors ? I calmed myself by saying that those weird error messages were not mine and crossed that they weren't mine. I did have an OT for we need to finish the compilation and this was my first time to render an over-time in NEC. I love the feeling of doing OT again even if I hated it - so maybe love and hate is asymptotic for real. I got home really late then and it was my first time not to open my PC after work. Though everyone was asleep, our dog named Kibol and our puppy named Brittney were still awake and greeted me with great fond. I washed my face and drank milk. I got some Alpo and bonded with my pets.

Mark this day, it's the first time I got knocked down from a days work ... but I gained a lot.